In dark times, strategies for accepting and embracing the single life have much to offer anyone seeking a sense of agency and empowerment. Here’s announcing my deep dive into some that worked for me, which completely upend outdated stereotypes that your personality is set once you’re 30!
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes. Photo by pawel szvmanski on Unsplash.
“Straight men rarely write about the end of their marriages,” I happened to read shortly after the end of mine, and that traditional gender roles were to blame. Forced to defy those ever since everyone in New Zealand pegged me as gay in my early-20s though, I resolved right there and then it wouldn’t be a case of if I would ever take on that mantle, but when.
My naïve, happy mistake. Unfortunately for exploring that topic, I’m on much friendlier terms with my ex than when we left the courtroom three years ago. (It’s so annoying.) We’re both fully committed to amicably co-parenting our teenage daughters too. If I could still offer any genuine insights or advice about divorce without getting too personal about ours then, avoiding potentially embarrassing or hurting anyone involved, I would. But I just can’t see how.
Besides, I’m long since past moping. I’m single now, for the first time in over 20 years. Happy. Been dating even. Were I to talk about what I’ve learned from that transition instead, any second-hand embarrassment or judgments would be entirely on me.
I sense some of you already cringing in anticipation. But it’s not how it sounds. Actually, the advice which follows is barely about dating at all, and was prompted by the prospect of quitting it entirely, inspired by a August 2024 Atlantic article by staff writer Faith Hill on people who did just that. Reading her article right about when what had felt like a flood of likes, matches, and dates over the summer was starting to reduce to a trickle by autumn, and ultimately no dates at all since, she helped me realize I’m probably going to remain single for much, much longer than I expected (indefinitely even), for reasons largely beyond my control. In particular, she had such a rare, enormously helpful piece of actual practical advice from a therapist for coming to terms with all the angst and frustration I’d felt, rather than just offering the typical unhelpful cliches about all the fish in the sea and how great single life supposedly was (so shut up and stop complaining already), that I absolutely had to share for that alone.
Yet that advice was only about dating. (Or indeed, not dating.) And it only had the impact on me it did, because it dovetailed with so many other pieces of advice I’ve gathered over the years about how to cope when life isn’t going the direction you expected, when you feel trapped, when nothing you do to escape seems to work, and you just feel like giving up.
I realized by the winter too, that the validation from getting matches and dates had only been a crutch. Blinding me from the personal and professional rut I was in, and the need to do the hard work of actually putting that advice into practice.
Hence the long break sorry. Much has changed for me in the last five months, and periodically writing and rewriting this deep dive over that time has been a fundamental part of that process.
Now that I suddenly find it in a form I’m happy to share though, I’ll gladly take as a sign that my transformation, if not nearing completion, at least has enough momentum that I know I’ll see it through. I honestly do think too, that I’ve stumbled on some methods that completely upend outdated notions that our personalities are fixed by our 30s, and am very excited to share my secrets!
And once I do, I think I can give myself permission to resume my typical feminist overanalysis and critiques again ;)
“Life is Immense (인생은 광대해)” comes from the 1998 Italian, English-language film The Legend of 1900; I’ll explain in the conclusion! Image source: 페페.
Much too long for a single post though, in Part 1 of this series I’ll jump straight ahead to the most useful and universally applicable advice. (It’s centered around two quotes by Mary Schmich and Mindy Kaling, but the contexts I give them and my interpretations are very much my own.) Next, in Part 2, I’ll very briefly comment on Hill’s article, and how it mirrors my own experience. Rest assured though, talking about the hows and whys of my lack of dates would be just as boring for me to write as for you to read, so I’ll avoid those as much as possible. But how I handled the result is needed, as the advice I end with—wholly my own, and far more serious and useful than its subheading suggests—is very much rooted in that. Finally, Part 3 will be the conclusion, with links to many other pieces of advice that unfortunately would have been just too long to develop here.
(For ease of navigation, here are the three groups of posts in the series; I’ll add links to each as they go up.)
- Part 1
- 1. “Do one thing, every day, that scares you.”
- 2a. “Chicks love confidence (sic).”
- 2b. “Work hard. Know your shit. Show your shit. And then feel entitled.”
- Part 2
- 3. “Being single can be hard—but the search for love may be harder.”
- 4. It’s Okay to be Lonely
- 5. Use Insights from Psychology and Therapy
- 6. Smile Like You Have Laser Tits
- Part 3
- 7. Make a Conscious Decision to Leave the Purgatory. Live Lewis’s Thought Exercise
- 8. The Rest
- 9. Life is Immense 인생은 광대해
See you next Monday then, for the first installment. It’s good to be back! And extremely annoying that, despite my best intentions, I actually had a great date last night—meeting her literally 24 hours before telling you all how great it’s been feeling not even looking for one. Grrrr.
If you reside in South Korea, you can donate via wire transfer: Turnbull James Edward (Kookmin Bank/국민은행, 563401-01-214324)
The Grand Narrative 