TradWife TikToks Trouble Me

From banking to taking care of babies, it can be a real headache living and working in Korea as a foreigner. So much so, it’s usually objectively easier to let a Korean partner deal with any bureaucratic issues. And very, very possible to fall into some decidedly traditional gender roles in the process.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes. Photo by Elle Morre on Unsplash.

Heartache, I expected from getting divorced. Backache? Not so much.

Every Saturday morning though, I have to contort myself like Houdini to clean my apartment’s tiny bathroom, lest I be judged on it later that evening. I have to vacuum and mop my floors often too, desperate to avoid the distinctive, single middle-aged guy smell my friend’s girlfriends all point out when they come over to break up with him. And in particular, I absolutely have to wash my dishes after every meal, because I have to do them in a kitchen sink that was expressly designed for the 155-160cm height of the average Korean woman of over 40 years ago. Let three meals’ worth pile up though, and it’s not just my lack of self-discipline that I’ll be wincing at.

Seriously, walking around my apartment like a hunchback every day gives a whole new meaning to feeling single. As a cishet, ostensibly middle-class, able-bodied man, it’s quite the novelty being a victim of the many gender norms literally built into our homes and cities.

Perhaps that’s why during my latest recuperation on my hard living room floor, I was finally persuaded to reach over and pick up Sociology of Everyday Life in New Zealand, ed. by Claudia Bell (2001), heading straight to the chapter “Negotiating Housework,” by Ruth Habgood (pp. 52-69). Amongst many other gems from the book I wish I’d seen earlier, this part really stood out:

“Despite declining rates of marriage and growing divorce rates, the majority of heterosexual women will still live with a male partner for a significant proportion of their adult lives. Most will also raise children. Thus, for most women, continued responsibility for domestic world and childcare has significant consequences. It means that taking care of families and the mechanics of domesticity remain central and defining features of their lives, regardless of their participation in other activities. Because women have retained responsibility for domestic life, those who are raising children either withdraw from paid employment or continue to participate on different and disadvantageous terms relative to men. This means that heterosexual women in long-term relationships are far more likely than men to be economically dependent on their partners. Not only will they shoulder the greater share of housework and childcare responsibilities, but as those defined as ‘natural’ specialists in nurturance and care, they are also far more likely to provide more personal services, care, and emotional support to male partners than they will receive in return. These patterns mean that women’s work has intensified and their leisure time has decreased as they have taken on wage-earning responsibilities outside the home without relinquishing responsibilities within it.”

“Women’s responsibilities for domestic work and childrearing also affect their lives more broadly. Women’s roles as mothers and wives in nuclear-family households are seen as both ‘natural’ and desirable. The lives of all women, whether or not they are wives and mothers, have been shaped by this presumption. These kinds of ideologies and responsibilities have served to inhibit women’s opportunities to participate in arenas outside the household—such as paid employment—and have had the effect of constraining their participation in ‘public’ life.”

(My emphasis; pp. 54-55)

And if I hadn’t encountered that line I’ve highlighted, perhaps I wouldn’t have felt so uneasy by the (unfortunately-captioned) reel below by Will Hitchins:

Someone I’ve previously described as a funnier, Australian version of Professor Neil, who’s “excellent at responding to the sort of ‘self-evident’ truths about women and so on presented by the manosphere, and quickly ripping them to shreds,” I hope I’m obviously much closer to Will himself than the charming gentleman he actually calls out?

But I’m not going to lie—my reliance on my ex-wife for some basic adulting was a (minor) factor in our ultimate divorce. Although we realize we’re both to blame for that division of roles and responsibilities in our relationship—you try fighting the patriarchy after another sleepless night of crying babies—I could have, and definitely should have, made much more of an effort to deal with the landlord, the bank, our daughters’ teachers, and so on, regardless of how it was always sooo much easier, in Korea, for my native Korean-speaking ex-wife to do so. (Especially for me!)

Like with a lot of things I wish I’d known about three years ago, it’s a pity it took a divorce for me to start doing “all that [feminine] shit.”

Photo by Timur Weber on Pexels.

I want to stress that I’m only speaking for myself. That the world over, most heterosexual couples unfortunately do tend to fall into a very gendered division of household labor (albeit with interracial relationships perhaps being slightly more at at risk? Something to investigate). And yet, with an awareness and concerted effort, it’s very possible to avoid that too.

That said, I’m suddenly strongly reminded of a match I had on Bumble a few months ago, whose (justifiable?) stereotypes of Western men may have led to its rapid demise.

Much younger, Korean, attractive, an avowed feminist, and living in my neighborhood no less, at first I felt like I’d finally stumbled onto my soulmate (just wait till she saw my bathroom!). Indeed, our 24 hour-long conversation had been going swimmingly until…I mentioned my 19 and 17 year-old daughters living with my ex nearby, our mutual financial support of them, and me fortunately still being on friendly terms with her. She responded by cutting me off in less than 2 minutes, albeit with the very rare courtesy of quickly explaining that she couldn’t tolerate “my situation.”

No, not meaning my daughters hanging out at my place. Being friendly with my ex.

Yes—my mistake in always being honest (sigh). I was glad though. There had been some earlier signs that she was actually far too naive, inexperienced, and/or religious for us to be compatible. And, in not even allowing me a reply, her hypocrisy had spoken volumes.

Still, I do wonder at the vehemence of her reaction, instantly disappearing into the ether like that. And her refusal to consider she’d possibly misunderstood.

Fluent in English, was it because she’d encountered a lot of similarly dependent Western men? Is that why she instantly pigeonholed me as one of them?

And, now realizing I have encountered many myself, including among my (male) friends and peers, I’m suddenly wondering how to broach the subject with them, to help their relationships avoid the same fate mine did.

How would you?

Perhaps I’ll offer to help them do the dishes at their next dinner party, then ask about their backs ;)

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• Studying Sociology with Simu Liu!
• When “How to Own the Room” is Really Just a Lesson in Male Privilege
• Why You’re NOT Living in a Feminist City: Two must-reads on living as a single woman in Korea and overseas
• Single Korean Women Already Have to Pay Extra to Stay Safe in Their Homes. They Don’t Need to be Infantilized in the Process.
• The Hidden Roots of Korea’s Gender Wars

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